Title: Coming Out.
Series: TDS/TCR.
Rating: PG-13.
Disclaimer: The public personas of Colbert and Stewart do not belong to me. Neither do their shows or their personal lives. I am merely playing with the public personas, with no profit to myself.
Summary: This is a humorous Stewart and Persona!Colbert. Written in repsonse to the challenge about a holiday or event. Also partially inspired by The Aristocrats. I liked the idea of someone just barging into the dressing room...

"Happy national coming-out-day!" Stephen said with a brilliant smile, holding out a bouquet of flowers.

The make-up girl looked at the bouquet as if personally offended by its garish, clashing colors. She opened her mouth to speak, but before she could do so, Stephen spoke again, in the voice that was too loud for any room smaller than a stadium.

"I just thought I'd bring these by for you, Jon!" Stephen looked around the room, frowning. His eyes lit on Jon's cup of coffee. He dunked the flowers in it.

"Thank you, Stephen," Jon replied, looking at the cup of coffee with resignation. He had only had one sip of it, and had been looking forward to a little more once the girl was done with him.

"So," Stephen asked, crossing his arms, his grin not slipping a millimeter, "when are you coming out?"

"Coming out?" Jon asked, blankly. Stephen had a way of marching right out of left field with a procession of clown-attired break-dancing midgets, swinging a baton with enthusiasm, and what could one do but stare with slack-jawed incomprehension?

"Yes, Jon! It's the day for it! When are you coming out to your family?"

The makeup girl tapped Jon gently on the cheek, and he looked upwards as she brushed foundation on under his eyes. "Stephen, I'm not gay."

Stephen huffed out a cheery, condescending laugh. "Oh, come on, Jon! It's 2007! You don't have to hide in the closet. Trust me, you'll feel better when you've gotten it over with!"

Jon decided, finally, that it was funny, and he started giggling. "I told you, man, I'm straight. If I were gay, I'd come out, but..."

"You're gay as the day is long! You peg the ol' gaydar at 'flame!' You're a cocksucking ass-bandit, Jon - admit it! I mean, what straight man wears makeup?" The last was said with a flip of the hand and a bemused chuckle.

The makeup girl, wisely deciding not to get involved, gave a few more strokes of the brush, yanked the tissue covering Jon's suit off, and strode out of the room. Jon could not stop giggling. "Stephen, it's for TV! That lovely gal did your makeup, too, when you were here!"

Stephen pointed an accusing finger at Jon. "Don't try to change the subject! We're talking about your gaiety, not my makeup."

Jon lounged back in the chair. The idea of Stephen declaring anyone a repressed homosexual was a clear-cut case of the pot calling the peyote an illegal drug. "If anyone in this room is in the closet, it sure isn't me."

"Are you calling me a closeted gay man?" Stephen laughed a forced, unamused laugh. "I don't think so, my friend! My building manager, Tad, told me that I suck cock just like a straight man."

"Did he?" Jon asked, putting a finger to his lips to stifle a guffaw.

"Yes, he did! I can't tell you how many men I have had sex with - in all kinds of positions, by the way - who have told me that I am the straightest man they know." Stephen grinned with pride, then pointed to Jon again. "So tell me - what did the last man you slept with say about your orientation?"

With effort, Jon schooled his face to be as straight as he was. "I've never had sex with a man, Stephen."

"Well, there you are!" Stephen replied, triumphantly. "Only a man who was petrified of finding out he was gay would avoid having sex with men!"

Jon spread his hands. "I've just never desired another man." He leaned forward in his chair. "That's the silliest bit of logic I've ever heard of. What's the flip side - that a gay man must really be straight inside if he's never had sex with a woman?"

Stephen chortled. "Why would a gay man want to have sex with a woman? You have a straaaange way of thinking, Jon." He stepped forwards, suddenly, and Jon leaned back in his chair in startlement. "Here, why don't you suck my cock?" His hands went to his waistband.

"Stephen!" Jon choked.

"Really. Just quickly. I can tell you whether you suck like a gay man or a straight one. I'm a bit of a connoisseur, really. It's my monumental straightness that allows me to make unbiased judgements."

Jon watched those hands, and the part of the anatomy they were near. It was a ludicrous situation - but hello, it involved Stephen! What else could it be? Yes, Jon was straight; not a big deal, he just happened to like having sex with women. But still, Stephen broke all of the rules, somehow, and there was something about the man and his self-righteousness and his pizza and the way his tongue would sneak around a spoon of ice cream...

A voice rang down the corridor. "Five minutes, Mr. Stewart!"

"Five minutes!" Stephen repeated, with satisfaction. "Time for two, at least!" He unzipped his pants and unfastened the button.

Jon stood, pushing back on Stephen's chest. "Stephen... I gotta go, really..."

As Jon walked down the hall, adjusting his tie and mentally rehearsing the headlines, Stephen's strident voice followed him like an irate terrier. "Denial will only come back to haunt you!"